Unpacking the Past: How Parental Relationships Shape Our Present

Our parents are our first providers, supporters, and lovers. Everything we know (and don’t) we learned from them. They taught us the mannerisms that we exhibit today. They showed us how to be a friend, how to give and show love, and how to own codependency and independence. This reflects how we show up in our friendships and relationships. If your parents were your first providers and supporters, you excel in friendships and relationships. You give the same love they’ve shown you to everyone around you. You show up in ways your friends are overly grateful for, and you may please people to satisfy those you love. Toxic traits are a thing of non-existence. You check on those you love and make life appreciative for others if you can. 

For others, our parents were our first heartbreak, deceiver, or hater. As we grew older, it became harder to trust people, and self-sabotage became reactionary to not feeling abandoned by anyone. The nervous system reacts quickly, and we struggle to maintain friends and relationships because of it, by pushing people away. We confuse boundaries and are scared of these new partnerships all the time. Some say, "Well, I’m a strict friend or lover so respect my boundaries." While you may be strict or have effective boundaries, being strict or having boundaries does not push away good people with good intentions who want to love us. If you consider yourself strict and have boundaries, why do some of us continue to play or ignore others who mean us well? 

What we lacked growing up, we began to look for through our relationships. Because we were or felt abandoned when we were kids, we hold on to relationships that do more harm than good in our present. Some of us leave one relationship after another to keep from being alone, as we felt when we were younger. You may think you’re in love, but the reality could be that you don’t want to be alone. While it’s understandable not to want to be alone, you have to recognize the need to be needed and wanted by someone else at all times. Others may self-sabotage relationships because they were abandoned, and a few of us become reliant on another person to keep from being abandoned, period. 

We yearn for love because we weren’t nurtured enough, or we were neglected in some type of form that harmed us so badly it impacted us in ways we didn’t know existed. 

Your parents may have worked a lot. 

Your parents may have been self-absorbed and often neglected you, leaving someone else to raise you. 

Your parents probably struggled with drugs. 

Your parents struggled financially. 

Your parents paid more attention to your sibling(s) than to you.

And unfortunately for some of us, maybe your parents died.

So, we began to look for love and sometimes in the wrong places to feel adorned and taken care of. 

We yearn for validation because we didn’t feel accepted by our parents. 

We began to do things like join sports, post on social media heavily for comments and likes, needing our friends for opinions on decisions or appearances, overachieving in academic settings, and avoiding constructive criticism from people to avoid hearing anything bad about ourselves. 

While it’s not their fault because our parents were children too and often carried their burdens into their future, we often gathered their baggage through generational curses and resembled some of their acts.

Some of us grew up spoiled. Everything has to be handed to you, people must kiss the ground you walk on, and working hard seems like a daunting task. Then some of us grew up self-reliant. Everything was done by ourselves, and hard work was the reality. 

 I used to blame my parents for the things they didn’t teach me, but I realized no one taught them either. While it hurts not to feel the exact things a parent should know, I had to relearn and teach myself through trial and error. I used to so desperately want to feel accepted by others when I was younger because I never felt accepted by my parents. I would do things and pretend to be someone I now cringe at when I think about the past. Yet, as I got older, I learned the only person who needs my approval and acceptance is me. I am often judged because of how vocal, opinionated, and different I am by others who fear speaking, are afraid of change, and agree with societal views. I ignore those people and continue to live in my truth like I am supposed to do. 

Award-winning author, theorist, and educator Bell Hooks implied, “while parents may deeply care for their children, they can also wound them in ways that impact their spirit”. I believe all parents have good intentions, but some can’t acknowledge what they didn’t do for their children as they should’ve. Now that you’re older and making your own decisions, they may question if it’s their reason, the way you are now, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

How we’re raised is reflected in our relationships in life. How were you raised? 

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT 

An anxious style of attachment is someone who craves closeness but fears rejection in a relationship, often seeking reassurance from their partner. For example, you may need constant reassurance, feel worried about rejection, or get upset or sad when your partner needs space. When you were younger, your parents might’ve been inconsistent, overly critical, or overly protective. 

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

While an anxious person craves closeness, an avoidant attachment finds it hard to get close to anyone. An avoidant attachment wants to be independent, often feels let down by others, they rejects depending on anyone. This can lead to emotional distance and difficulty in maintaining long-term partnerships. Your parents might’ve been emotionally unavailable, unresponsive, or dismissive of your feelings. As we grow older, we suppress our feelings and become self-reliant. When we’re in a relationship, as an avoidant, you may have difficulty expressing your feelings, seemingly uninterested in deep conversations, and may prioritize independence and personal space over closeness.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT 

Disorganized attachment can also be said as a fearful attachment. While an avoidant avoids, a disorganized attachment does too. However, they crave closeness too. A disorganized attachment is an inconsistent mix. While this person may seek closeness, they are also afraid of it. You want to trust others, but you choose not to. Stemming from childhood, your parents could have been abusive, mean, or neglectful, and also your safe space–being the person who not only hurt you but comforted you as well, which leaves you confused and conflicted. In a relationship, while you want closeness, you tend to push your partner away. You may have emotional outbursts, difficulty trusting, and often have anxiety in the relationship. 

SECURE ATTACHMENT 

The healthiest attachment, a secure attachment, comes from consistent and responsive parents. Your needs were met, and you can rely on your parents at all times. You felt safe and understood. In relationships, you’re intimate and feel comfortable. People with secure attachment trust their partners and are good at communicating their needs and feelings. Signs of a secure attachment are having healthy boundaries, effective communication, and supporting your partner’s independence while maintaining a close connection. 

We can’t be perfect, but we all can heal. The things your parents didn’t teach you can be learned as an adult. You’re not alone, and if you practice communication and trust, you can excel and breathe again in relationships. Like I stated in “The Wedding Experience: The Key to Love”, we’re not meant to be alone. Stop pushing away those who love you and make it work. We’re scared of getting hurt, not realizing we’re projecting our fears and worries onto something that can be beautiful and heal us. 

Q&A

I wanted some real-life answers from parents about things they’re currently teaching their children that they weren’t taught. Let’s have a read!

What are some things you taught your child(ren) that you weren’t taught growing up? 

“Making sure his credit is good…maintaining his debt because he’s going to college and I told him don’t take out any loans. They have tuition reimbursements, and grants he can use to fund college.” —Que, 30’s

What are you willing to teach your child(ren) more of as they continue to grow into an adult?

“Money management and to finish school, don’t procrastinate”. —Que, 30’s

As a young parent, what are things you’re going to or are currently teaching your kids you weren’t taught?  

"I am currently teaching my son that it’s okay to express his emotions and that I will be his support while experiencing life. I would say for affection, I’m pouring my all into him to better his future, supporting him with the littlest things. I make sure he knows there’s always a better side to life”.  —Nene, 20’s

What is something you’re relearning as an adult that you weren’t shown as a child? 

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