We Listen and We Don't Judge

“We listen and we don’t judge” became a popular trend on TikTok. People spilled the most horrendous and absurd details of embarrassing things they’ve allowed to happen to them in exchange for openness and acceptance. 

The trend is not to judge anyone. A safe space is uncommon in the world of perfection, so we often feel compelled to be vulnerable with strangers online. Aesthetics surrounds us–you must have the perfect hair, clothes, make-up, shoes, not to mention you must have lots of money and if you don’t you better damn well look like you do. So it wasn’t to my surprise when people would express their trauma, and yet people did the same thing the trend said not to do–judge. 

“I would never let that happen to me.”

“You should’ve been left.”

“We need to love ourselves more.”

The shady comments that I hate the most:

“Now what did this teach us…”

“I would’ve kept this to myself.”

“Not the CIA would get this information out of me.”

All coming from the same people that I’m more than sure have had embarrassing things done to them. 

Why do we feel comfortable being vulnerable on social media versus going to our trusted friends and family? The reality is we’re still embarrassed. We can’t face the crucial criticism from our circle, so we treat social media as our blind spot–we don’t know them online, so we feel as if their opinions don’t matter, which leads us to overshare. 

Everyone loves telling you what you should and shouldn’t do. It’s easier to tell someone that, especially when you’ve never been in their shoes or know the backstory of how they’ve gotten there. What people forget is we’re always learning. We aren’t all perfect, living the life. Life is about lessons, what you make of it, and what you learned from it.  Life is either a continuous cycle of learning or a cycle of living in ignorance. It’s your choice.

 Life is also about forgiveness. 

We have to forgive ourselves to forgive others. 

To not feel judged, you have to forgive yourself for what transpired in your life. To reframe being the judge of your friends, you have to forgive yourself for what happened to you, too. Most people keep situations to themselves because they don't forgive themselves. 

It’s not your fault what happened to you, and it won’t do you justice to act as if it never happened. When we don’t forgive ourselves, we create a guard or defense that clouds our judgment. Some of us become mean or cold, while the rest of us allow situations to steal our light. This boils over when our friends share vulnerable moments. We’re easily triggered; anything that reminds us of a situation that happened personally, we automatically turn our nose up and make the snarkiest comment. While our friend is hoping for a shoulder to lean on, our nervous system immediately reacts inadvertently. As our friend needs a listening ear, our guard needs to address it. It’s not our place to tell our friend the same thing she’s more than likely already told herself. Instead of judging or passing comments, how about offering some encouragement and vulnerability, like you needed in your situation. 

Showing grace is better than being judgmental. Yet, it’s easier to judge because it feels better to tell someone what you wouldn’t allow and what you would’ve done. Showing grace can be mistaken for allowing someone to mistreat you or “getting over,” but the reality of it is that showing grace equates to owning up to being the victim. People want to be the victim when they want to be instead of when they are. When you are the victim you feel played with, screwed over, and hopeless. When you choose to be the victim, you feel sympathetic and in more control. 

“I didn’t deserve that”.

“How could they do this to me?”.

“They’re going to get what’s coming to them.”

But when you are the victim, you feel ashamed. 

“I can’t believe this happened to me”.

“I can’t tell anyone about this”.

“I can’t be close to anyone else now”.

It’s human nature for us to want to hide or not tell our friends what someone did to us and why we allow it to happen. We often think we’re going to be judged, and even if it is true, we have to accept it ourselves first and foremost. People sweep things under the rug and forget they ever happened. You truly never forget it happened because it shows in other areas of your life. We’re scared to date, make the first move, can’t trust people anymore, become less social, hide our feelings, and are timid to step out on faith. 

When the most vile thing happens to you, own it. The worst thing you can do is pretend like it never happened. When you do this, you’re choosing not to grow. Personal development is crucial when the worst happens. What can you learn from this? What does this teach you about yourself? What red flags did you think were pink? When you ignore your feelings, you’re ignoring the great possibilities that can transform you. Instead of healing, you’re choosing stagnancy. Stagnancy can be comfortable. But stagnancy can be miserable, too. Life will keep throwing you the same curveball until you change your stance. In other words, the same situation will come about in different ways through different people until you learn from that same lesson you keep missing or ignoring. 

We listen and we don’t judge, but also let’s learn from the first mistake to avoid the second. What’s a red flag you kept ignoring that you wish you had addressed in the beginning?

I’ll go first. A red flag I kept ignoring that I wish I had addressed at the beginning is helping out someone who pretends to be nice and caring, only to end up asking or needing something out of me.

Use the comment section to share the red flag you ignored and share with a friend to remind them they can always lean on you in a time of need. Thanks for reading! Subscribe if you aren’t and like this post.