The Warning Signs: Identifying Toxic Friendships

As I grow, my conflict with friends has grown between wanting more, and I’m okay with the ones I have. Truth be told, I am a friendly person despite what I hear. 

“I thought you were mean.”

“You seem shy.”

“I didn’t expect you to be so nice.”

Like most people, my facial expressions are easy to read. No, I don’t walk around with a mug, but I am unimpressed by a lot of things, which is why I can see people think I am mean. But, as soon as you speak to me, I have a Kool-Aid smile, showing all my teeth, most likely with lip gloss so shiny you’d think it was chicken grease. 

I admit my faults as a friend: I'm horrible at birthdays, I’m inconsistent, and I hate talking on the phone. I’m one of those friends who is okay with talking to my friend once a week, once a month, or once a year, but catch up as if we do talk every day. I had and have all sorts of friendships. I’ve experienced having a best friend, having a fun friend, a business friend, an i-need-a-therapist friend, and a boy-crazy friend. Yet, the older I get, I’m noticing my “forever friends”--whom I can do and share anything with are getting slimmer and slimmer, and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. 

Growing up, I’ve always had a group of friends. Yes, I think my life is an episode of “Girlfriends”. I love a good group of four or five. Some of the moments were fun, and some of the moments were strange to experience. Personalities clashing, one friend talking about another behind their back, friends growing apart, friends get a significant other and ghost the group, others become distant, situations happen where you feel like you have to choose, and so many other things that can dissolve a friendship quickly. Nowadays, friendship breakups are more common than relationships. 

“Girls are weird.”

“Friends are fake.”

“I can’t trust anybody anymore.”

What in the world is going on? It’s almost as if people take pride in not having friends, being alone, and missing out on the world because they don’t have anyone to enjoy it with. Welcome to the new age, where people are friends through social media. I’m afraid that’s where interactions occur. Believe it or not, there are apps where you can meet your potentially new best friend—Bumble, BFF. I admit, I used it once and befriended a cool Aquarius who loved to eat and smoke hookah as much as I do! 

Today, you either meet people online, at the club, in school, through other friends, or at work. I befriended people in all of these settings. Some friendships lasted, others fizzled out, and some ended with a bad taste in my mouth. People say you truly don’t know a person until you see their true colors.

Honestly, everyone is a walking red flag. None of us is perfect. I’m sure when people meet me, they think they found their new favorite homegirl, and soon get disappointed when they realize I’m not only the friend you don’t talk to every day, but I’m also the friend who will change her mind like a light switch. 

Even though we planned this last week, I don’t feel like it today, boo. 

That’s just me. However, I think my green flags outshine my red ones. 

I’m non-judgmental, vulnerable, open, funny, supportive, and fun inside and outside of the house. Yet, there are red flags that I think are straight-up non-negotiables. 

UNSUPPORTIVE 

Once you start a business, a different career, or live your dreams, you would think your top supporters would be your friends. While that is true for some people, it’s not true for all. Some of your friends will watch you from the sidelines without a bullhorn, a whistle, or a poster. They will watch you post and not interact. They won’t ask you questions or seem interested. They would be just another viewer on your social media. You may notice your conversations are growing shorter. Friends don’t support you for a few reasons: 

-They don’t believe in what you’re doing. 

-They secretly think you won’t succeed. 

-They’re wishing they could do the same thing: take action in their lives. 

If your perspective is open-minded, you may find it endearing or even slightly sad. However, on their end, their feelings can turn into jealousy filled with secret animosity. You do not need friends who do not support you in any aspect of your life. You may think you don’t need their support and can still be friends, but this is not true. What happens when you do succeed? What happens when everyone is supporting you except them? Do you consider them your friends? Friends support each other with compassion, love, constructive criticism, and optimism.

If your friends do not show compassion, love, feedback, and positivity, they’re not your friends, and the reason they have you around is to avoid loneliness. Unsupportive friends can be nice-nasty and passive-aggressive. 

BOY CRAZY 

These types of friends are the worst ones. Everything shouldn’t be centered around a man, and if she's more obsessed with your relationship than you are, oh girl, you’re in for a rude awakening. Men-centered females typically either have a non-existent relationship with their dad or watched their mom date serially with men who had mistreated her. Believe it or not, everything is passed down through genetics and experienced growing up. A lot of young women are raised by their mothers, who were male-centered as well. Everything deals with a guy. Women purposely go out to find a man who can buy them drinks all night and see what else they can take from him later in the night. Some women were raised around their mom and her friends, who have only discussed men, so when they're older, this is what the young girl thinks is normal. These women become so immune to it that they instinctively evolve themselves around a man as they grow older.

What can this man do for me? 

I need to be with this man. 

I need to see this man. 

I need a relationship, regardless of how this man treats me. 

I can’t let go of this man. 

Some women will know they deserve better and still stay in the relationship because they don’t want to be alone, either because they’ve seen their mom do the same thing, or the opposite, they don't want to be lonely like their mother. Everything revolves around needing and wanting a relationship. The reason why boy crazy friends aren’t your real friends is that if they had the opportunity to betray you for the sake of having a relationship, they would. They would be sneaky, dishonest, shady, and would do the most vile thing to be with that man.

LAST MINUTE FRIEND 

I find it insulting, even if a friend would invite me to events or parties at the last minute. 

“So and so couldn’t come, do you want to come with me?”

Oftentimes, friends do not invite you because you’re the light and star of every room you walk into. Insecure women who received little to no attention growing up are intimidated by this. I wouldn’t go as far as saying friends who invite you last minute aren’t your friends, but there’s an underlying issue that makes them not your friend. Friends shouldn’t compete or fight for attention against each other. Everyone exudes confidence in their way. I don’t think women should be jealous of one another because of it. If you’re a confident person, surround yourself with confident people as well. 

NEGATIVE

If you’re ambitious, negativity will be more apparent than ever. You will hear from the highest form of criticism there is. If your friends are constantly negative to and about you or your goals, they not only want you to be discouraged, but they want you to feed into the negativity, too. Don’t fall for this trip. I invite criticism, but criticism without support or positive feedback usually entails someone wanting you to fail. Friends encourage and uplift one another; anything else is a friend who not only dislikes themselves but who dislikes you, too. 

DON’T COMPLIMENT/HYPE YOU UP 

The friend I am, I will gas you like Chevron. It’s innate in me to tell my friends how good they look, or to comment with heart eyes under their pictures on social media. I not only love beautiful people, but I love giving flowers to my girls. Especially at this time, everyone wants to be treated like a celebrity. I understand if your pictures don’t look like influencers or hot commodities people follow, then you may not get the compliments you deserve because your pictures aren’t taken off a digital camera or out of a black truck. We’re in wicked times, but I love to remind my friends they're sexy without the aesthetics of wannabes. Yet, I do notice compliments are slim to none if you don’t meet the expectations. Two reasons why your friends don’t compliment you: insecurity and jealousy. There are women who subconsciously (and consciously) try to be better than the next, including their friends. No one can look better than them.

I believe every woman should think she's the most bad girl in the world. However, the problem is that when someone is even remotely close to their confidence, some women feel like they have to humble themselves next, including their friends.  On the flipside, your friends don’t compliment you because of their insecurities. They don’t compliment themselves, so they definitely won’t compliment you! They’re critical of themselves, so of course, they’re willing to point out the flaw in you! This friend is likely judgmental, condescending, and overly arrogant. While everyone should be confident, we should be it towards our inner circle, too. There’s always room for another baddie, so let’s act like it! 

A non-negotiable I didn't include was befriending, being friendly, or supporting someone I have an absolute problem with; I do not consider them my friend. 

What are your non-negotiables? In the comments or head over to the members tab to leave your thoughts and experiences.